Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
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me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
good for her
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.