Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
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When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
sistine chapel
May your day taste like creamy soup.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Lmaoo 😂
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I found your tweet-up…
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!