Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”