Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Lmao
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
