Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

Tuesday

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

I need this for my side hustle.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️