Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.