Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left