Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
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I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Twitter fine art
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.