Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
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me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.