Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
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Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?