me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
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Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.