Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her