Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

is this a warning or an offer?

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

all bases covered

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

The legends were true