Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings