Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea