Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
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[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE