SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
You Might Also Like
Oh yeh? Explain this then
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.