SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
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Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
when you don’t want to be too vague
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
New nose
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS