son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
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Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to