son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
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I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Would you wear it?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.