Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Happy Febuary everyone!
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
asking santa clause for nudes
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines