Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

January 1st: anything is possible

January 2nd: but not today

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

What do you hear?

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator