Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
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Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Jogging
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.