Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

The news in a nutshell.

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”