Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”