Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

The game has officially changed 😎

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!