Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
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I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
i- i did not expect this
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead