Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

My five year plan is a meteorite

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you