son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
crazy
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Want to talk trash? Recycle.