Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased