Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?