son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
sailors wish they could swear like me
What even happened today?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.