son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
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I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…