Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

How to find Kentucky on a map

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔