Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
A man of commitment.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”