Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
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Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.