Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled