“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim