“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
How does someone manage that 🤨
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
😭😭😭
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”