Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Stop sending me this shit.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
My Sentiments Exactly
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape