Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
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“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.