“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Succinctly put.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
new wife guy just dropped
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another