Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”