Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.