Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

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If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.


At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.


Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.


[Spelling Bee]

Your word is inception

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

[Spelling Bee]

Your word is inception


Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it


My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!


Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.


“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys