Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000


Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?


The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”


If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.


I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.


Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”


DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?


[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.


I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little.Web md has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus or a dislocated cervix. So..


WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.