@ChrisHallbeck

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

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@joshgondelman

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

@TomJonesN

At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

@mommajessiec

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

@gianni_bcn

[Spelling Bee]

Your word is inception

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

[Spelling Bee]

Your word is inception

@david8hughes

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

@WeissBrandon

My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!

@Chicken_Hawk38

Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

@DanMentos

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys