Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
You Might Also Like
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine