@ChrisHallbeck

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

You Might Also Like

@chaselyons

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

@ThugRaccoons

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

@IamJackBoot

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

@revious

If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.

@juliussharpe

I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.

@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

@ShortSleeveSuit

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

@david8hughes

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

@JimmySelfDest

I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little.Web md has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus or a dislocated cervix. So..

@JustEnduring

WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.