Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last