Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.