Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

ㅤ

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.