Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
How it started: How it’s going:
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
No one:
London landlords:
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.