Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
bros in the example zone 😭
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.