Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Pleading insanity in small claims court
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer