Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*