Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
You Might Also Like
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries