Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
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[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I’m not proud
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
This is Sparta
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…