Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

water it, i dare you

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Blew my mind.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

me: my friends:

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.