Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
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Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie