Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣