Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

these can’t be my only options

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶