“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
You Might Also Like
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!