Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

For anyone who needs this today

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.