Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Cake!!

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.