Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Usage Guidelines

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”