Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
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Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
This made me chuckle.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.