@Cravin4

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

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@jnrbtsn

The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.

@TheSharona06

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

@SaddestTiger

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

@tweetsbyrocket

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

@AmberTozer

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

@WeissBrandon

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@pajaritosimpson

Him: Do you know what I just forgot?

Me: You mean “just remembered”

Him: No

Me:

Him:

Me: No

Him: Shit

@SCbchbum

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.