The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
Him: Do you know what I just forgot?
Me: You mean “just remembered”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Weighing up my bread heating options