Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
You Might Also Like
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions