Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.