Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.