Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Cool shirt 🙂

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

all bases covered

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade