sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
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A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Bruh PLEASE
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer