Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

Oh boy, $150,000!

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

She knows her part so well!

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…