Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.