Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.