[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
You Might Also Like
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
You can’t rush stupid.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged