SONOFA
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If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
my retirement plan is braless
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.