SONOFA
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This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
