SONOFA
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.