SONOFA
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me irl
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.