Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

Sign of the day..

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now