[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
is nasa ok
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.